Project Akko Or, A Curious Wad of Clay Finds Her Soul
by KriegsaffeNo9
Summary: Noticing that Akko flourishes under pressure, Ursula, with Sucy, Constanze, and Lotte's help, makes her believe she's been subject to a deadly curse to see if it helps her make a magical breakthrough. This takes a turn when Akko accidentally trips on poison plants and takes friendly advice on how to cure herself. Rated M for pretty much everything you could be rated M for.


**Warnings and Such: This fic contains (in ascending order of severity) swearing, blasphemy (a kind of swearing), accidental and recreational drug usage, exaggerated effects of said drug usage, themes of psychological instability, incredible violence, surgical malpractice, non-explicit pederasty, and references to real-life violence. If that's not your bag, bail now and be safe. If you're cool with that: enjoy!**

This is vaguely set in the first half of season 1.

* * *

One day at lunch, Akko called her buddies out to a table far away from the other students. "Hey, guys," Akko said. "I think something happened to me last night."

"What makes you think that?" Lotte said, taking a seat opposite Akko. Sucy loomed behind Akko instead.

"Well, I woke up, and this weird mark was on me." She rolled up her sleeve, revealing a black mark on her forearm just under her wrist. It was a symbol, a long black bar with a small triangle at the middle, pointing down relative to her thumb if she were giving a thumbs up. "First my arm was numb but now it kinda hurts. What is it?"

"Mm. I know this." Sucy held up Akko's arm and ran her fingers over the symbol. Akko squirmed, the flesh tender and Sucy's fingers cold and slippery. "The Curse of Thorn. Very bad business. You ever see the criminally underrated film _Nothing But Trouble_?"

"No... is it from that movie?" Akko said.

"Oh, no, it's just that your _life_ is about to become nothing but trouble. It means that the stars have marked you and everyone you associate with for death by the Thorn Master, Stabs of Blood."

"Wait, what part of that was his name?"

"It doesn't really matter." Sucy let go, the arm thumping on the table. "I'd say my goodbyes while I can. Been nice knowin' you, Akko."

"Hey, hey, wait a minute," Akko said, rolling up her sleeve. "It can't be that bad, can it? We're in the middle of a witch school, there's gotta be someone who can, like, put a counterspell on it or-"

It was then that Akko noticed the enormous man in a blood-caked smock, fencing mask, and six-point antlers. He was standing behind Lotte; in one movement he clamped a massive gloved hand over her mouth and dragged an enormous machete across her throat.

"Guaaaaaaaggh!" Lotte said as a fountain of blood erupted across the table, splashing Akko in the face. "Heeeuurgh! Bleeegh! Raaaggagh!" She flopped onto the table and clawed her way towards her friend, seizing her by the collar and babbling her last words into her face. "Glorg... glub... gluuuuuub." She closed her eyes, coughed her last breath, and slumped to the table, sprawled out in a sea of her own blood. Akko was soaked head to toe in her friend's vital juices.

Sucy inched away. "I'm not with her."

Thorn Master Stabs of Blood pulled a chainsaw from behind his back and revved it up.

Akko blinked blood out of her eyes. The world seemed to be underwater, every movement calculated and with great effort. She had all the time in the world to think about what she needed to do. But then, did she need any time at all? The answer was obvious as it was genius. She had a plan, she had the means, and she would have her revenge.

The best revenge was not getting killed.

She picked up Lotte, ran at the nearest window, spun around, and hurled her at it, smashing it into a thousand jagged shards. She leaped into a flying kick, planting her heels in the small of Lotte's back, and rode her lifeless body through three stories of freefall 'til she landed on the sidewalk outside the student union.

The impact forced the air from Akko's lungs. "Hrrgk!" She stumbled off of Lotte and into the grass, gasping for breath. "Oh God, I'm so sorry Lotte, thank you for saving me in death, gotta go, bye forever," she said. She took a deep breath, held her hat tight, and ran for the forest at full tilt.

Lotte waited for the sound of Akko's footfalls to fade before lifting her head from the pavement. "Ow," she whispered. "Good luck, Akko." She took inventory of her injuries: every breath sent stabbing pain into her lungs, it was hard to keep her eyes open, she was covered in broken glass... surprisingly, everything from her mid-back down seemed totally fine. Downright numb compared to her upper body.

Right, enough wallowing in pain. Now it's time to hop to her feet and join the big party.

Yep. Onto those feet now. Stand up, walk back inside to the nurse's office.

Just as soon as those legs caught wind of what she was telling them to do.

They were sure taking their time.

"Oh..." Lotte said.

"Are you alright down there?!" Ms. Ursula shouted from the broken third floor window.

"No, m'am," Lotte said.

"Pardon?! I can't quite hear you up here!"

"I can't shout because I think all my ribs are broken."

"Eh, you'll be fine! Kids bounce back!" Ms. Ursula said, ducking back inside and pulling her horned fencing mask back on. The other kids had gathered around the isolated table, looking on in curiosity. "Don't you mind us, students," Ursula said. "We're just having a little test for Akko. Trick magic knife, you see!" She rubbed the mystic machete on the table, causing a majestic fountain of strawberry jam to fan into the air. "You're just witnessing some alternative teaching methods we're testing on Ms. Kagari. We hatched the idea at the faculty poker game last week. Sucy was there for some reason, so she's on the teaching team, too! You see-"

Sucy slithered in front of her. "Akko performs remarkably well under duress and is barely alive when things are normal," Sucy said. "So we're going to make her think Michael Meyers is coming after her and see if that unlocks her Dragonballish hidden potential."

"Thank you, Sucy, that was very concise."

"My _pussy_ is concise," Sucy muttered.

"What was that?"

"What's pushy is precise," Sucy said.

"Words to live by! Now, everybody get ready for part 2." The jam jet finally died down.

Outside, Lotte quietly cast a spell, and rode on a bed of helpful little spirits towards the nurse's office.

* * *

Akko came stumbling to a stop, slumping onto a sittin'-stump. "Oh God," Akko said, "oh God, I'm being chased by a crazy murderer." She touched her face and brought her fingers away, staring at the strings of brilliant-crimson blood stretching from her fingertips to her cheek. "Oh my God, Lotte, you poor, poor thing. You were too beautiful, too wonderful, for this world." She hiccupped. The adrenaline wore off, and pain and clarity washed over her. Her legs and lungs were aching, her thoughts racing into a swirl of terror and despair. Lotte's blood had seeped into her mouth as she'd gasped for air.

Wow, Lotte was seriously diabetic. So diabetic her blood tasted like strawberry jam. And yet she had never seen Lotte once inject insulin. She must've kept it secret all this time so she wouldn't... hurt her friends' feelings? Yeah, let's go with that.

What a brave, beautiful creature. Gone too soon. Because of Akko's evil, evil curse.

Akko sobbed into her bloody hands, every last trace of dignity dissolving in a snotty river of tears and hysterical blubbering.

"Jeez, you're one sappy broad," the stump said.

"Wh-whawuzzat?" Akko said, looking up.

"Nothing. You're hearing things... in grief. I'm a normal stump," the stump said.

"Al... alright. I'm sorry, Mr. Stump," Akko said, trying to wipe her nose on her sleeve and just making everything an even bigger mess. "Sorry, friend died, can't breathe through my nose now, black magic curse. Everything is extremely awful."

The stump said nothing. A small rabbit had appeared, edging near to her. Akko tentatively reached for it. The creature hopped into her hand, and she wiped her nose on its face.

"Oh come the hell on!" the stump said, tilting forward and dropping Akko onto her feet. The stump lifted the rabbit, which was attached to the end of one of its roots, and wiped it off on some leaves "You're just disgusting. I'm outie." The stump uprooted itself and loped away in a twirling gait.

"Even the forest itself rejects me," Akko said. "This curse is truly manifold in wickedness." She sniffled. Even with a clogged nose she could smell Lotte's blood. "...you know, I should probably wash off," she said. "Yeah... before the wolves come. Or the ants." She looked out into the woods. "Now where can I find some water?"

The Test Akko Under Duress Party-Ursula, Sucy, and Constanze, who had leaped at the opportunity to build some purpose-driven gear-gathered at the edge of the campus where the jammy footsteps led out into the forest. A few other students and teachers had gathered to watch them make their next move. Prof. Finnelan was watching most critically, particularly Constanze assembling something from a box full of parts and Sucy brewing something on a hotplate. Prof. Ursula checked her watch. "Ten more minutes and I make my next move," she said. "That should be time enough for Akko to catch her breath!"

Prof. Finnelan scoffed. "I hardly see what the point of this is, other than seeing if you can give one of our students a heart attack. How are you even going to rate her performance? What even kind of performance are you-"

Ursula ran her finger down Finnelan's lips. "Shhhh."

"Touch me again and that finger's coming off," Finnelan said, arming her wand with a flick of her wrist.

"I'll try my best to remember," Ursula said, shouldering the chainsaw. "And, to answer your question-Constanze, if you would!"

Constanze gave a thumbs up and hit a button on her techno-wand, now configured in the shape of an Action Gamemaster. A quadrotor drone lifted from the grass with a soft buzzing noise, a turreted camera hanging from its underbelly.

"Our Constanze has invented a clever device to help us analyze Akko's magical performance, as well as add a little extra apparent danger, if the need arises. Like so!"

Constanze aimed the camera at a nearby statue and squeezed the right trigger on her controls. A wand-tip emerged under the camera and spurted pew-pew lasers at its head, shining it up nice and bright.

"And I suppose that chainsaw of yours is safety-rated, too?" Finnelan said.

"Oh, no, this is the groundskeeper's chainsaw. He said he'd go on strike if we broke it, so I haven't dared tamper with it. It's a big slow thing anyway, Akko will have plenty of time to dodge if I wave it at her."

"Provided she doesn't break it, or you trip, or God knows what else could go wrong," Finnnelan said. "But I suppose it's all on you now. Try not to screw up, the papers are watching."

"I prefer to think of it not as 'screwing up,'" Sucy said, "but as 'banging screw.' It's less how badly one screws, so much as how much one learns from the screwing." She scooped a teaspoon of indigo potion out of its miniature cauldron, blew on the spoon, and took a sip. "Oooh, yeah. That's the stuff." She shivered with bliss. "I have a good feeling right now."

Constanze gave another thumbs up.

Ursula strapped on a headset with eye piece and mic, something not unlike an R-Zone in appearance. "Let's get to pretending to murder Akko to see how her skills in magic bloom under duress," she said before sliding on the fencing-mask-and-antler portion of the outfit. Whistling, she marched into the forest, Constanze's drone hovering behind her.

"Bye, Ursula!" Jasminka said, waving. "Have a fun time!"

Finnelan's watch went off. "And the teaching day is over," she said. "As you were, ladies." The teachers and most of the students watching dispersed, other than Jasminka, who had more Cheesy Chimps to eat straight from the barrel.

Meanwhile, the carpet of spirits dropped Lotte off at the nurse's office. She lay draped across a few chairs, behind a girl who'd caught the cold and a girl who'd gotten both of her hands stuck in a number of mousetraps.

* * *

Akko climbed out of the river, wringing out her hat. "Well, that worked, mostly," she said, watching the last of the red stain sluice downstream and out of sight. "And now, to dry off." She yanked out her wand, primed it, and declared, "Pyroshale!"

She lit on fire, just a little.

"Crap, crap, crap, wrong spell!" she said, leaping back into the river and swimming back out, feeling somehow even damper. She re-wrung her hat. "What was it? It had 'pyro' in the name... aaagh, don't tell me you're gonna kill me with pneumonia?" She glared at her Thorn Curse mark. "'Cause if you do, you're not just evil, you're LAME! You hear me?!" She punched her arm and regretted that action immediately. "And of course you're still tender, too." She patted the mark. "You know, I didn't even get to eat lunch. Maybe I should scrounge for food before I lose my head completely."

Soaked, starving, and sore, she sniffed around for anything that looked healthy or filling. She filled one palm with nasty-scented black seeds from a plant covered in bristly pods (something that smelled that bad had to be good for you), another with slightly-sweet-smelling black berries from a plant with pretty, bell-shaped leaves, and plucked a few red mushrooms with white spots, because she vaguely remembered Sucy collecting but never actually using them. They couldn't be that dangerous if Sucy hadn't tried them in a potion yet.

She looked at her sad meal, took a deep breath, and jammed everything into her mouth at once and chewed. Their combined flavor was like licking the inside of a paint factory furnace, but once she swallowed the mess and it hit her stomach, she felt almost as satisfied as when she choked down a salad. So at least it had to be healthy.

"Well, I have food in me, and I'm still wet, and the sun's going down, and I'm in a forest full of monsters, and I'm cursed, and Lotte's dead forever because of me... so that's one thing in my favor!" She pointed her wand in the direction of the low-hanging moon. "Give me your worst, haunted forest!"

A bear slouched out of the woods, a healthy-looking black bear that sniffed at the river downstream and eagerly licked the water haunted by the sweetness of poor Lotte's blood.

Akko watched the bear drink away before a trivia fact bubbled up in her head. "Wait a minute," she thought, "that bear's tasting human blood. When an animal tastes human blood they become addicted because humans are delicious! He's drinking her, and then he's gonna drink me! Oh my Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-o-o-o-o-od!"

After the third minute of shouting the bear looked at her. She pointed her wand at it and cast the first spell that popped into her mind: "Ursus subtracta!" A beam of pink light hit the bear, enveloping it in a glittering aura. The aura moved away from the bear, taking its skin with it. The aura dissipated, and skin and bear both collapsed.

"Oh, man," Akko said, inching towards the definitely-not-dead-yet bear. "That... yeah, that was bad of me. I'm sorry, Mr. Bear." She pointed her wand at a big rock and cast the basic telekewhatsis spell. "Please die quickly," she said, closing her eyes, pointing the rock reasonably between where the bear's eyes were, and firing.

The bear died, blessedly.

"Alright, alright, alright, alright," Akko said. "So, plus side, bear meat and bear clothes. So that's three things in my favor." She checked her pockets. "And what do we have here but some salt and pepper packets I stole from the lunch room! This isn't just gonna be a bear dinner, it's gonna be a bear feast!

"Man, I wish I'd brought some soap with me."

* * *

"Wouldja like some Grumble Puffs?" Jasminka said, holding out a bag full of crunchy wads of deep-fried dough.

"Nah," Sucy said, "I'm good."

"More for me~" Jazzy said, crunching away.

Constanze whistled and gestured for Sucy to come near. Sucy plopped her face on Constanze's shoulder. "What did you find?"

The drone had sussed out Akko taking a seat by an anonymous river in the middle of the forest, holding out a severed, skinned, lightly-peppered bear paw on a stick over a crackling fire. She had climbed into the bear's skin, her face poking out of its mouth. In her free hand she had her wand out and primed. For a while, she stared into the fire.

"Huh," Sucy said. "Ursus subtracta, looks like. See any red on her?" Constanze shook her head. "That's a critical hit, there. Full tissue separation. Maybe Ursula's on to something."

On the tiny screen, Akko looked up and to her left. What was she looking at? The drone tilted and saw only the darkness of the early evening forest.

"I hear bear meat's real good," Jasminka said, putting her head on Constanze's other shoulder. Constanze made a noise and the two of them edged away. "I hear it is, anyway..." Jazzy offered Constanze a Cow Tail candy, which she licked out of her hand. "Oh, that tickles!"

Sucy hit the button on her headset-because Constanze had handed them out to every member of the team-and spoke into it. "Hey, teach, are you okay out there?"

"I am indeed!" Ursula said. "The camera feed is a little inconsistent, but I can get Akko's approximate location." There were a few moments of background noise-rustling leaves, heavy footfalls in the weighted smock. "Really wish I'd had a glowing eye gimmick. It'd make moving in this forest easier."

"You know what they say about hindsight," Sucy said. "It makes an ass out of 'u' and 'me.'"

"That's pretty much right," Jasminka said, licking a Cow Tail from her Constanze-licked hand.

Constanze pointed at her yoke's screen. The two witches behind her focused up. Akko was up and staring at the drone. In the evening light and with the blinking on-light of the drone's camera, there was an eerie white shine in her eyes.

Sucy raised an eyebrow.

"Aw, she looks like a lil' possum!" Jazzy said.

* * *

Akko hadn't heard the buzzing of the drone over the voice. Not right away, anyway.

"Kagari," the voice said, as if someone were whispering it in her ear. She felt warm breath on her left ear. She slapped at her ear-maybe it was a tiny talking fly that was going to try and eat her brain. She'd heard of that, probably. "Akko Kagari. Did you know you are dying?"

"What? No, I'm not!" she said, looking in the direction of the voice.

There was someone standing there, tall, black-suited, faceless, their arms an infinite tangle of gently-swaying tentacles. They had no face.

"Oh shit," Akko whispered. "Can I have your autograph?"

The Slenderman pulled out a publicity photo, signed it with ichor weeping from his fingertip, and handed it to her. She clutched it in her paws.

 _To Atsuko Kagari, thnks fr th mmrs. - Slender Man_

"incredible" Akko said, rolling it up and tucking it into the bearskin's mouth, where it wound up resting more or less against her midsection. "What was that about me dying, actually?"

"You are being lied to. Death is not coming for you; it is within you, breeding and growing. Every breath you breathe is killing you slowly. There is only one cure."

"What's the cure, Slenderman?"

"You must kill the Six Damned Souls who use chemtrails to suffuse your innocent form with black magic. It is the only way. You must be swift and your judgment unclouded by sanity or perception."

"So, do I close my eyes to find them, or...?"

"Stop asking questions and start acting. You know their faces, and now you must remove them. Go forth and pull them apart." The Slenderman stepped back into the woods, leaving only darkness. Darkness, and a buzzing noise somewhere behind her head.

She turned to face it. Floating not too far behind her was a giant Cupid Bee, its eyes glowing a radioactive green.

Akko narrowed her eyes. "Oh no. Not today, melon farmer!"

* * *

On the little screen, Akko lunged at the camera, mouth open. The camera feed cut out. Constanze shook her controller, hammering all the buttons, but to no avail. She lay the controller on the ground, took Sucy's hat, and held it over her chest. A single tear rolled down her cheek.

Sucy reclaimed her hat. "Well, crap, guess you really riled her up. Why didn't you shoot her when you had the chance?"

Constanze shrugged.

"Bad news, teach," Sucy said over the headset, "Akko just cast a spell with her mouth and ate the camera."

"Yes, I saw," Ursula said. "I think I'm lost. I'm not seeing smoke or fire anywhere and the wolves are coming out. This, uh, this might've taken a turn..."

"Hey, Connie, can you-" Constanze put her finger on Sucy's mouth. "Is that what we're doing today," Sucy said, keeping her lips pursed closed where Constanze touched her. "Okay. Constanze." Constanze took her finger away. "Can you build another flap wagon real quick? We're flying blind and an unsupervised Akko means we're all in mortal peril."

The short witch nodded and returned to her box of spare parts.

"Hang in there, teach," Sucy said, "help is on the way, provided you don't die first."

"Very encouraging, Sucy! You'll get to 'inspiring' one day."

"God forbid."

"What was that?"

"Cod for Bit. I'm thinking of selling fish for coins."

"It's an unexplored market, Sucy, that's a very good idea!"

"Oh!" Jasminka said. "Speaking of cod and cooking bears! I forgot I had something in the oven. I'll be right back!" She finished up her bag of Quiet Storks and raced for the kitchens at surprising speed.

"Go thou, and munch," Sucy said.

* * *

The nurse shoved Mousetrap Hands out of her office. "G'wan, git. I ain't bein' paid to kiss your boo-boos."

"Permission to speak freely, Nurse Horowitz?" MTH said.

"No," the nurse said, and slammed the door on her.

"Can't I get something for the pain, please?!" MTH said, very carefully knocking on the door and wincing the whole time.

"Fine, Chrissake," Horowitz said, shoving a bottle of laudanum through the mail slot. Mousetrap Hands caught the bottle, dropped it from her moustrap-harrowed hands, bounced the falling bottle between her forearms, trapped it in her armpit, and without another word sped off. Once Horowitz heard silence on the othe rside of the door, she peeked out into the waiting room. "Alright. Next?"

Lotte lay sprawled across a few chairs, mouth open, snoring slowly and with great effort. Flies alit on her glass wounds.

"Friggin' lazy-ass kids," the nurse said. "It's not that far to the dormitories! Christ." She shut the door, sauntered to her medicine cabinet, and pulled out a bottle labeled THIS ISN'T REAL, MOVE ALONG. "Quittin' time." She uncorked the bottle with her teeth, lay back in her favorite chair, and took a long drink of brown party liquor.

* * *

Jasminka took a nice long sniff of her latest creation as she slid it free of the oven. "Ta da~" she said, gesturing as the giant pastry hopped onto its feet. "I call it... a Jam Buddy!" The Jam Buddy was a life-sized witch-shaped pastry with fruit leather hair, fondant buttons and jewelry, and icing face, jewelry, and filigree on its skirt-hem and boots. It smiled a big bright smile at Jasminka and the single, unimpressed school chef.

"Whatever, kid," the chef said. "Was it worth calling all the bakery ovens? Tonight was supposed to be Margherita pizza night."

"I worked real hard on these guys," Jasminka said, patting the soft dough shoulders of the Jam Buddy. "She's gonna be so delicious. Don't you wanna take a bite?"

"I don't do 'sweet.'"

"If you insist." The Jam Buddy gave her a thumbs up, Constanze-like; she took a great bite out of the protruding thumb with a satisfying crack and a spurt of strawberry jam. "Professor Ursula needed a whole lot of jam for today, and I made a whole lot more, so I decided to make some of these guys!" Jam Buddies hopped out of the other ovens in the vast kitchens, all striking poses and giving jazz hands. "They have jam blood and puffed rice bones and gummy guts and hopes and dreams all of their own!" She bit off the rest of the Jam Buddy's hand, sucking jam from the limb and pinching the dough closed with her teeth. "And they taste so good, like a Jam Buddy should."

"You're one sick sonofa-" the chef said, turning away from the sight and looking at a small, baggy, wet-smelling bear. It was raiding the dessert closet, stuffing a few spare things into its mouth with the arm coming out of its mouth. When it noticed him looking, it spun around and menaced him with a can of whipped cream.

"Sometimes I feel like I've been tied to the _whip cream_ post," the bear said, spraying cream at the chef's eyes.

"Aw, dang," he said, his eyes already firmly closed. "You kids with your pranks and all." The chef dabbed at his eye; when he opened them again, the bear was walking off with Psycho Fatty in tow.

"I'm being kidnapped!" Jasminka said brightly. "Please avenge me if you can!" The bear walked through the door and vanished into the unseasonably dark early evening.

"I never wanna understand this generation," muttered the chef, taking the opportunity to light the cigarette he'd kept tucked behind his ear.

The Jam Buddies convened around the one-handed buddy and discussed their options.

* * *

Finnelan shut the door to her quarters and locked it, sliding a particular key off the ring before hanging it up alongside her hat and outer vestments. She performed her customary stretches, working her back and stretching those fingers-a lady her age had to be mindful of carpal tunnel or, Mormo forbid, arthritis. Any day that intersected significantly with Atsuko Kagari's was a challenge at best. Now, though, now she could finally recover from the day's exertions. She strode towards the drink cabinet with a singular purpose.

"By God, she's doin' it, folks!" Wangari said from her seat by the fireplace. "She's made it to the cabinet-she's working the lock-never underestimate this lady when she's got a key-it's gettin' unlocked! She's going for it! What's her pick? It's-yes! A digestif! Pouring herself two fingers of Grand Marnier neat! And-Christ above, she's going for the peeler!"

Professor Finnelan nodded along. Wangari just wasn't flourishing unless she was announcing, and after a long day doing her level best to avert the decline of witchcraft, Finnelan needed something to lift her spirits. In part, she did so with spirits; in part, with company like Wangari's, fine, healthy young ladies who knew how to raise morale.

She peeled herself a number of long thin ribbons of orange zest directly into her glass, where they alit on the surface before absorbing the liqueur and sinking into the syrupy drink. She allowed herself a little smile.

"The absolute madwoman! Praise be unto the Highest, she's going to have herself a nice warming sip by the fire!"

"I believe I shall," Finnelan said, sinking into her plush chair across from Wangari. "Mmph. This seat does an old lady well."

"Aw, professor, don't be so hard on yourself!" Wangari said. She was leaning casually in the guest's chair, not quite as plushly appointed as her own, but quite comfortable all on its own. "Just 'cuz you're surrounded by spring chickens don't make you an old hen."

Finnelan savored the sweet burn of her first sip before swallowing, the warmth traveling down her throat, to her belly, and radiating outward. "Mm. Thank you, Wangari. It helps to hear that sometimes... we can't all be graced with tits like that blue-haired hussy's."

Wangari giggled. "Dare I sense some inter-faculty tensions?"

"Oh, no. Just an old woman's jealousy." Finnelan took her second sip, a little faster this time. More for effect than taste. "Wangari, have you ever partaken?"

"Of a lot of things, m'am, but I'm not quite sure what you mean!"

"Of alcohol."

"Oh, no, m'am! Not a drop."

"Well, young lady... we are in a private residence, I'm certainly of age, you're certainly not five... and we have enjoyed a hearty meal. In the United Kingdom you are entitled to enjoying a little, if you are so inclined." She held out her highball glass. "And I am quite inclined to share."

"Well... if the teacher's so kind as to share," Wangari said, taking the glass. Her fingers were soft and warm as they brushed the teacher's fingers, and Finnelan struggled to maintain her professional expression. Wangari sniffed the Marnier, licked her lips, and sipped. She twitched, the drink jostling in her hand, a splash of liqueur hitting her nose. "Woo! My God, that's some... wow!" She handed the drink back, which Finnelan took by the rim. She set it on her side table.

"Strong stuff, isn't it?" Finnelan said.

"You're not kiddin', teach!" She reached for her nose, but Finnelan took her arm. "Ah, pardon? Just needed to clean my nose, m'am."

"Allow me," Finnelan said, and pulled Wangari a little closer. Finnelan's tongue was an inch away before the lumpy bear-skin rug she now realized wasn't normally there stood up between them. She tasted confused fleas and wet fur. "glk"

Wangari rubbed Grand Marnier off on her sleeve while the professor gagged and chugged the rest of her drink trying to banish the hideous bearflavor. "Hi, bear," Wangari said. The small, lumpy bear turned to look at her, a familiar face looking from within the flappy, toothless mouth. "Atsuko Kagari? How's that wacky test coming along?"

Akko's left eye twitched. Her gaze was unfocused, haunted. "Don't do the crime..."

Finnelan choked down her orange zest. "You have no proof of a crime you little-"

"If you can't do... _the slime_." Akko uncapped a pair of little plastic trash cans and flung their contents at the teacher and student.

The slimes gently bounced off their victims' shirts and landed on the floor with soft _splut_ s.

Finnelan and Wangari instinctively looked down at the goo. "Was that supposed to accomplish something, Kagari?" Finnelan said; "What crime was I up to, again?" Wangari said; and as they said these Akko grabbed their heads and smashed them together with a satisfying _donk_. The two flopped back into their seats, good and concussed.

Akko gazed upon her handiwork for a long moment, before picking the slime off the floor and smearing it in their hair. Then came the dragging.

* * *

Hannah peeked in on Diana's room. She didn't get a whole word out before a blast of magic energy blew a chunk out of the door just above her head, showering her with splinters. She unflinched after brushing shrapnel and dust from her hair.

"Knock, for God's sake," Diana said, closing and locking her diary. "This is a delicate time in a young witch's life and I won't have you barging in on me."

"Sorry, sorry!" Hannah said, creeping into the room with her hands over her eyes. "I just wanted to say that nobody's seen Kagari for a while so she's probably not going to be on campus tonight. Is what the people are guessing."

"And all the teachers are retired for the evening, yes?"

"Yeah, yeah. Holbrook's sparking some Granddaddy Purple with Nelson and Pisces, and Finnelan called Wangari to her room..."

Diana shuddered. "Godspeed, you black empress."

"So yeah, you're totally in the clear tonight. Totally! And now I'm going to close the door and cover up that hole and we'll all be happy and you can have total privacy. Have a good night, Ms. Cavendish!"

"I will," Diana said, collapsing her wand and returning it to her holster. She opened her diary, checking to see that the ink hadn't stained the opposite page, and resumed writing her erotic novel.

Outside Diana's room Barbara waited for Hannah. "So, you're alive!" Barbara said.

"For the time being," Hannah said, taking a seat on the floor. "We're not being paid near enough to kill plagiarists."

"Wait, wait, hold up. Diana said she was settling for nonlethal."

"You heard her almost-kill me, didn't you? That" (she dropped her voice to a whisper) "bitch" (and resumed speaking as normal) "doesn't miss unless she's making an example. So yeah, I'm not gonna second-guess her. You see someone come in this hallway, they're gonna be saying hi to God and then immediately going to hell for witchcraft."

"Man, I hate God. He's such a fussy little bitch." Barbara squatted by Hannah. "I'm glad his son's dead, I hate that narc, too."

Hannah twiddled with her broom. "Hey, Barb. You ever wonder if you're going to hell for things 'sides being a witch?"

Barbara tilted her head. "Like, what? For cussing out God like I just did?"

"No, for, like... stuff. Like, you did somethin' once and now you can't ever look back or even say what it was for fear of..." She peered into the far edge of the corridor. "You see that?"

"See what?" Barbara squinted. A little fuzzy something rounded the corner. "Musta been a cat. Somebody's familiar's out prowling for mice or something."

"I'm gonna go look at it." Hannah loped after it. "Bee are bee!"

"Hey, we're gonna talk about this later, idiot!" Barbara said. "Don't want you killin' yourself like Biggie."

Barbara England labored under the delusion that "Suicidal Thoughts" was a historical record.

Hannah rounded the corner, seeing no cat. She reached for her wand, only to feel a furry arm yank her into a niche inconveniently carved into the wall. "Hey, wha-" she said, interrupted when her grabber shoved a toad the size of a chihuahua into her mouth. In what any future boyfriends would consider a useful trait, she instinctively swallowed it, and as any future boyfriends would discover, immediately regretted it. She staggered away from her captor, grasping at the bulge in her throat. In blind panic, she remembered her first aid classes and thrust her fist just under her ribcage, forcing herself to cough up the beast.

It landed intact in a splash of spit and bile on the stony floor. It emitted a moderate-pitched, chirpy croak and hopped away.

"Heurgh, shit, what did you..." Hannah turned to face her tormentor, which was suddenly quite difficult on account of being miles tall.

The creature that had inflicted her with the darkest of magicks stared from within the defanged jaws of a mighty bear. It wore Akko's face, possibly after ripping it free from Akko given all that floating blood enveloping her face. "I got you high," the foul spirit said, "on _life_."

The toad croaked again, sounding exactly like her brother when she caught him in the closet with the towel around his neck. "Don't look! Don't look!"

Easier said than done with all those eyes she felt like she was growing. Better alert Barbara while she still had the ability to breathe.

* * *

Lotte raised her head. "Momma?"

Silence answered her.

"I'm alright. I'm feeling better. I'm just sleepy."

She lowered her head.

* * *

Hannah ran full-speed into the wall, breaking her nose. Bleeding, shivering, she slumped to Barbara. Rivers of spit poured from her lips. "Pitheor! Mia frato mortis tiun nokton! Cheleule!"

"Hannah?" Barbara whimpered. "Did... did you take Biggie's way out?"

Barbara had no idea how guns worked.

"Mi estas blindulo; Ŝi estas miaj okuloj. Omicron!" Hannah's spit-fountain turned to a torrent of foam and she collapsed.

A hairy monster stepped around the corner, yards of fur and skin too baggy for the size of the thing wearing it. Eyes glimmered from within the shade of its shapeless head. It stared at her, and she at it, in an endless stillness while Barbara, wait, no, Hannah quietly seized on the cold ground.

The monster tugged back its headskin and revealed Akko. "Is Diana in, Hannah-Barbara? ... Crap, I just got that."

Barbara knocked furiously on Diana's door.

 _"Empress Dianashina, it is of universal importance that I make love to you," the Dowager Akutsukarina purred, resting her delicately soft creamy elfin cheek on the Empress's sacred thigh,_ [pointed ear something here] _. "You know this as your whole body knows this. I can feel the need pulse beneath your silken skin, a sanguine song sung only for me."_

 _"Darling Akutsu, I..." gasped Dianashina. "The words, I can't express them... you must only... do what you find proper." She fanned herself with a crystal fan gilt with cashmere and opal and lay her heavy-feeling head onto a mountain of fine silk pillows stuffed with only the softest mouse dander._

 _The Elf Dowager licked her plump pearlescent lips, moistening them, and with a brief breath to brace herself for the feast set before her, slipped her tongue into_

Someone knocked furiously on Diana's door.

"For the love of God!" Diana said, closing, locking, and sealing her diary with the blackest magic she dared cast for fear of her soul, before dropping it into a _bag of holding_ and handcuffing the bag to a _portable hole_ still with its plastic protective sheet in place, and finally locking it in her personal effects safe before wrapping it in her grandmother's vintage Safe-Seal Seal Safe sealskin safe cozy and dropping the whole mess into her bedroom's private pond. She brushed her hands. "I apologize for the wait, I'll be-"

Barbara kicked the door in and slammed it kinda-not-really shut behind her, having punted the oak door off its hinges. "Sorry sorry sorry" Barbara said, gasping for breath from the exertion, "but there's like a monster out there and it shot Hannah!"

"What do you mean, shot?" Diana said.

"I mean-oh my God, it's pushing!" She screamed and ran behind Diana, cowering and jittering like a well-kicked dog.

The door thumped to the floor, and a gamy-smelling Akko in an oversized bear costume stepped in. She'd pulled the gaping wide head back like a hood. She had a plump, wart-speckled, forest-green toad cradled in her costume's paws, which she groomed with her tongue like a mother cat. "Hey, Diana," Akko said.

Diana fumed. "Barbara, you'd better explain yourself before I find myself obligated to pour tea for Atsuko while making you eat horse nettles."

"Explain-I mean-she murdered Hannah, I swear!" Barbara said, covering her eyes and waiting for death.

"Kill her? Oh, come on, whichever you one you are, I can't kill you on school grounds!" Akko let the frog go.

"Get the kettle, Barbara," Diana said, approaching Akko.

"B-b-b-b-b-b-ut Diana, she used like a qualifier-" Barbara said from behind Diana's bed.

"'Cuz I'm gonna kill you out by Dolmen Hill, where your blood will slake the bloodthirst of the naiads!" Akko grabbed a suit of armor behind her and hurled it at Diana.

Diana rolled with the strike, fifty pounds of steel, chain, and leather sailing past her, the pointed beak of the helm scratching her cheek. Her wand was in her hand and its sights lined up at Akko's sweet head. Black lightning sparked between its tines. "Mortos strandado!"

Akko leaned back Matrix-style, her powerful ankles keeping her from landing on her ass as a dripping bolt of liquid darkness streaked overhead and splashed against the wall outside, scouring a skull-shaped mark in the stone. She stood back up. "So it's witchcraft, Parflunax! As I expected." She popped her arms free from her sleeves and felt around in her bearskin.

"Who...? Akko, are you on drugs?" Diana kept her wand trained on Akko, edging backwards towards Barbara.

"Drugs? Of course not. I'm seeing clearly for the first time in the ten billion years I've drifted aimlessly through the void as a clump of hydrogen. For the first time I know-" She turned her head and vomited directly onto Diana's desk, the frothy pink puke melting through her schoolwork.

"Barbara, I need your help with a fusion spell," Diana whispered.

"A-you mean-Diana, you don't-" Barbara said.

"Yes. I need you now more than ever. Come to me."

"I... alright!" Barbara pulled out her wand and ran over. "What are we-"

Diana punched her square in the jaw, sending her spinning away onto her bed, leaving a glimmering ribbon of blood streaming behind her, several of her teeth clattering to the ground. Diana snatched Barbara's wand out of the air. "Time to _knuckle down_ ," she said.

"Hey, that was alright" Akko said, pausing to spit the last of her vomit onto a portrait of Diana's mother on her deathbed. "Sorry, took a second. So, Parflunax, like I was saying-"

"Fusilo!" Diana said, twin barrages of magic missiles streaking at Akko. Akko walked forward into the barrage of energy bolts, struggling to free her arm from the bearskin.

"Aw, come... ow! Come on! You're just prolonging the inevitable!" Akko said, struggling to push against the bolts of force. "The longer this takes, the more it's gonna suck! Your suffering ends with mine!"

"No, Atsuko. Your suffering ends here!" She hopped into the air and struck Akko's chin with the heel of her boot.

"gk" went Akko, refusing to collapse, even when Diana rotated midair 360 degrees and brought her other heel into her eye and on the 720 smashed her face with both toes. "hrk" "gup" "really that's entirely too much kicking-"

Through sheer arcane power Diana was hovering in mid-air, leveling both wands at Akko. "Through divine grace, are we granted absolution from sin! Through absolution from sin, we are severed from the sacred wisdom of the earth! Through severance from wisdom, we are barred from the sight of Mormo, triple-goddess witch-beast of the moon and lord of all that fall under her gaze! Atsuko Kagari, spurn the name of the God of Abraham who gelds and chains the feminine abyss! Expunge purity and embrace damnation! Membataklan _Tuhan!_ "

A column of disease-obliterating light burst from Diana's chest and seared into the floor, scrubbing the air and carpet immaculately clean. She heard a sharp _crack_ somewhere behind her.

Somewhere right behind her, Akko, who had walked out of the way during the spell, finished twisting the halves of the cracker around the whipped cream charger, dispensing frostbite-inducingly-cold air into Diana's groin.

Penultimate agony erased Diana's higher thoughts, and she fell to the ground and the warm embrace of unconsciousness.

"When a problem comes along," Akko said, "you must _whippet._ " She sniffed the edge of the cracker. "Aw, man, the gas all got away. Stupid gas, running away from me as surely as life itself from my diseased veins." She cracked her knuckles. "Two more down, one to go. Right after I get some more action gas."

* * *

Sucy played Morgan le Fay; Constanze revealed the Liebherr R 9400 Mining Excavator. There was no guessing who had the higher transport width. Smirking, Constanze scooped up every last card in the pile between her and Sucy and plopped them in her lap.

"God damn you, Top Trumps!" Sucy said, flipping off the Top Trumps: Witches and Backhoes case. "You're the second-worst thing named Trump!" She glanced around, waiting a beat. "Eh? Eh? Trenchant political commentary? Anybody?"

The German witch shuffled the cards back together. Their headsets crackled to life after a lengthy silence, scaring the hell out of both of them.

"Hello?" Ursula said. "How's progress coming on the new automaton?"

Constanze's eyes widened. She'd dug out an extra power source before noticing she'd brought her box of Top Trumps decks along by accident. One thing led to another and they'd spent the past hour playing on one of the picnic tables in the full moonlight, not noticing a thing outside their world of names and numbers. She seized her parts pile and rooted for rotors.

"Ah, it's coming along," Sucy said. "Perfection takes time. She's really going overboard for this one. It's gonna be a miracle in the air. Are you okay?"

"I am! I paused for tea and biscuits to regain my energy. I found the very dead bear by the river, but there's no sign of Akko now that the jammy footprints have all been eaten by ants. How are you holding up?"

"Eh, we're alright," Sucy said. "Kind of dull around here. Hopefully Akko's gonna try to bed down for the night." An alien sensation crossed her thoughts. What was that she was feeling? It felt vaguely like the urge to throw someone else in the way of oncoming danger, but instead of someone else, she would be throwing non-living or rhetorical obstacles in the way of danger going towards someone else. "There's a load of poisonous stuff in that forest. If she tries to feed herself she'll be throwing up her kidneys before the night's over."

"She probably brought snacks," Ursula said. "She can't have just expected to subsist on that baked bear paw she left behind." A pause. "Do you know where my broom is? I could've sworn I brought it with me, but it might be in my room.'

"Eh, you'll be fine. We'll pick you up if things turn hairy." Sucy felt her tummy grumble. "Actually, I'm gettin' a little hungry too. I think I'll take after DJ Jazzy Jeff and get some eats. Bee bee elle." Sucy deactivated the headset and left it behind, hovering ominously towards the mess hall. Cafeteria? Dining room? She was never clear on what it was actually called.

Constanze regarded her hastily-constructed quadrotor with a skeptical eye. The first one had taken the better part of a weekend to assemble. If she were honest, she'd sooner tie a webcam to a squirrel than trust this thing to metaphorically carry Akko and Ursula out of that forest, but needs must as the devil drives. She realized that emergency maneuvering jets might push the thing from "flying scrap metal" to "challenge mode on a flight simulator." She felt around in her scrap pile, but the whippet boxes seemed to have mysteriously gone missing. Hm. That was un-ideal.

* * *

Ursula wiped her brow. Even in the cool evening the murder suit was, in fact, murderously hot. She hesitated to admit she was taking more breaks, but fumbling blindly in the dark woods, even with a chainsaw and a brilliant slasher mask, was a draining process.

She returned to her biscuits, tasty little digestive biscuits. That thought linked to another by what barely counted as a pun: Finnelan was probably having her digestif right now, back home snug in her room lording it over Ursula from a distance. _How dare that stupid blue-haired idiot care about her student's well-being. Montessori, what's that?_

No, Ursula, banish this thought. She took a lengthy swig of tea, the last of her reserves, in fact, and swallowed it slowly, contemplating how she didn't need to denegrate her fellow teachers just to feel better about a stressful situation. She was as concerned about the happiness and integrity of Luna Nova's students as Ursula, and she was doing the best she could.

She regarded the last of her digestive biscuits. "Sorry," she said, "but you'll just have to wait for later." She sought to put them back in her tin, but the vaguely blue outlines she proprioceived were replaced by a definite pinkish haze. Also, she was no longer breathing air and there was a pinching sensation around her neck.

She clawed at the rubbery membrane covering her head, gulping in chilly clouds of nitrous oxide until she could no longer keep her eyes open. She slumped into a chemical sleep. Akko slid the balloon off her teacher's head.

"When a problem comes along," Akko said, "you must _whippet._ " She looked away and emitted an arcing stream of vomit, wiped her mouth clean, and took a few huffs of nitrous. "Crap, I used that one already. Is that why I puked again? Oh, man, the curse is getting even more cursive!" She hoisted Ursula over her shoulder and ran through the dense undergrowth.

A few minutes later, she doubled back, grabbed Ursula's chainsaw, and resumed heading to Dolmen Hill.

* * *

Sucy returned from her late supper with a to-go box of shrimp lo mein. "'Ey, Constanze," she said. "Did you want food?"

Constanze was too busy taping little fireworks to the bottom of her quadrotor to respond.

"Well, I wasn't gonna give you any anyway." She took a seat next to her partner in crime. "We ready to hit the air?"

Constanze nodded, climbing onto the picnic table. She picked up the drone, spun in place a few times, and hurled it up and over the treeline like a discus, taking a seat and the controls before it crashed into a branch. Because she was that good.

Sucy smiled. "Hey, we're back in action!" The visual feed for the new drone kicked in, lo-res and choppy but better than nothing. "Ursula, copy?"

Silence.

"Very funny. Or, wait, did you find Akko? Did she totally embarrass herself? Are you taking pictures? If you aren't, stop what you're doing and take pictures. Or just point so the robot can take pictures." Still nothing. "Crap, don't tell me you threw us away like my mommy did my da-I mean-" She tapped her mic. "Hang on, sorry, I'm getting some interference by ghosts. Looked like class 2s, disembodied lips pretending to be me spilling tragic backstory. They floated away but I'm alright. Are you alright?"

Constanze poked her in the head.

"Hey, stop it!"

Constanze kept poking 'til Sucy stopped batting back at her. That was how you told a dog to behave, Cesar Millian taught her that.

"Seriously, now. Ursula, copy?"

Nope, nothing.

"Come the hell on. Constanze, you see anything of interest?"

Constanze pointed to the evening sky, specifically the shaft of light piercing the late evening darkness.

"Har de har har, smartass."

Constanze poked her.

"Fine, whatever. I didn't mean to shoot you down. Put the hammer down and snoop out that shaft."

* * *

Ursula emerged from the haze of laughing gas, instinctively probing her teeth to see if she had new fillings. Nope. Same number. Which means that was just an especially vivid dentistry memory-nightmare, and maybe the entire last day was a bad dream, too.

Nope. She was crucified upside-down on a megalith in a circle of standing stones, the whole scene awash in an eerie glow that thrust into the night sky. Five stone altars were spaced radially within the circle, each with someone tied to it. Professor Finnelan was below her, then the student reporter Wangari, Hannah and Barbara tied to the same altar, Diana, and last but not least Jasminka. "Hey there, Professor Ursula," Jasminka said. "Did you get kidnapped too?"

"Fantastic idea you had, there," Finnelan said through grit teeth, "put a little pressure on Atsuko to see if she flourishes. Oh, she flourished, alright, that tight little..."

"Hey, I'm gonna have to ask you not to finish that sentence, please?" Wangari said. "I mean I just put together what it was you were getting at and you better believe that's going into the next student paper."

"Oh, please!" Finnelan said, struggling against the ropes tying her down. "You children today are so self-obsessed. I paid _my_ dues when _I_ was your age, but now it's your turn and you won't so much as let your teacher-"

"I'm going to have to echo that sentiment and ask for less details, please," Diana said, trying to reach for her wand.

"Pansies, the lot of you," Finnelan said.

"Hannah, Barbara, do I still have my wand?" Diana said, grasping at her Quik-Release Action Clasp.

"Mi gustumas la bileton de via fiasko!" Hannah said.

"I think we all are, I'm not feelin' Hannah's on my hip," Barbara said.

"Well, then, we're all in dire straits," Diana said. "Does anyone have a knife on them?"

"A knife?!" Finnelan said. "What do you think we are, Molly Stewart, a bunch of football hooligans getting day-drunk on the streets of Belfast?"

"Nice deep cut reference there, Finn," Ursula said.

"Shut your whore mouth, bluey!" Finnelan said.

"Please, everyone!" Jasminka said, "If we just cool off and think it through, we should be fine. Akko's a nice lady, she'll listen to reason."

Akko emerged from the darkness, revving the chainsaw. "Alright, it's time to start murdering you," she said.

"Hi, Akko!" Jasminka said. "We're gonna use reason on you to talk you out of murder."

"Oh, sorry, Clorspy, we're way past reason. Just look at the..." Akko tugged on the bearskin she wore, realized that there wasn't really a sleeve, and wriggled her way out of the bearskin at last. Her own human skin had flushed a harsh, scratchy-looking red, her dialated pupils the size of pound coins. "Guh. It was starting to smell in there. Alright, where was I? ... What was I? What is anything?" She looked off into the middle distance for a few moments, nodded, and said, "He's right, I should just _cut_ to the chase, 'cuz it doesn't matter what you _saw._ "

"If this is about the curse thing," Ursula said, trying to will wrist-sweat into being to slip out of her bonds, "that was a motivational lie to give you-"

"Oh, no you don't!" Akko brandished the chainsaw one-handed at Ursula. "I know your game, Kajabagargarg, Lordess of the Infinite Plague of Final Death. You've been using me to further your black magic schemes since day 1, and I'm not gonna-" She looked aside and puked a while.

"She's completely lost it," Barbara said, whimpering.

"Yes, exactly," Ursula said, only now breaking out in a cold sweat. Come on, wrist sweat...

"Maybe, or perhaps..." Diana said. "Ursula, you're in contact with Sucy, right?"

"I would be if Akko hadn't taken my headset along with all our wands and-oh, hey, it's the new robot. Eleven o'cock!"

The captives looked up at the drone. Constanze's latest masterpiece was made of model rocket parts and scrap metal with a camcorder making up nearly half its bulk, but it was flying. The drone tipped forward as if nodding.

"Sucy!" Diana shouted. "Akko is suffering from persistent, realistic audio and possibly visual hallucinations, dilated pupils, flushed, rashy skin, depersonalization, and she can't stop throwing up! Is this consistent with ingestion of poisonous plants native to the region?"

The drone nodded.

"Alright, we know the score: Akko has accidentally poisoned herself and can't be reasoned with." She looked back at Akko, who had finished up puking and was now dabbing at her mouth with the bearskin. "And she has a chainsaw." She looked back up at the drone. "Please send help," she said, a little more pleading than she intended.

The drone nodded again, and Akko shrieked and hurled the bearskin at it. The skin tangled up in the drone's rotors.

"Crap, crap, crap!" Sucy said. Constanze furrowed her brow and hit the emergency maneuvering jet button.

The drone lurched into the woods, emitting a series of loud pops and whistles as the bearskin inflated and smoldered. It crashed somewhere in the distance and exploded, causing a small fire.

"That's what you get, Jesus! That's what you get!" Akko stuck her tongue out at the fire. "Okay, I'm done being sidetracked." She yanked on the chainsaw's cord and it roared to life. "Who wants the first sip?!"

"Atsuko Kagari," Finnelan shouted over the roar of the machine, "I knew from the first time I saw you that you'd be a waste of our school's resources and time and I take immense satisfaction in seeing you ruin your-"

"Finnelan touches kids and she was gonna touch me!" Wangari shouted with all of her announcer's fury.

"Only their hearts for how much I appreciate their beauty and smell!" Finnelan said.

"Yeah, that's creepy a-f, Qlorspox the Infinite Bitch. You're up."

"No, you idiot, you're supposed to have the scales fall from your eyes as I expose your foolishness and let meeeAAAGGGLGGBGLGBL"

Akko had hopped onto her altar and shoved the chainsaw's tip into her mouth. With a little pressure and a little side-to-side twisting, Finnelan's head was bisected at the jaw in a magnificent spray of crimson.

Akko eased off the trigger and shouldered the weapon. "Yeah? Well now you've French kissed Mr. Chainsaw." She hopped on Finnelan's body to help squeeze more juice out of her.

Everybody screamed. Akko, too, albeit at all the bats she was now seeing fly out of Finnelan's throat-hole.

* * *

"So, it's fifteen minutes to get there by broom," Sucy said, peering at the light-shaft, "if I can eyeball that sort of thing... and, uh, I kinda doubt I can. Don't suppose you have some science trick to get us there faster?"

Constanze weighed her options and decided potential detention time was a risk she was willing to take if it meant being a hero. She fished a remote from her pocket, flipped up the plastic safety cover, and pressed the big red button.

The school grounds rumbled. A few yards away on the lawn, a patch of grass lifted up and out of the way, revealing a metal-lined launch tunnel. A launching mechanism emerged, a steel-plated, wire-bristled broom loaded onto it. Constanze scrambled over to the superbroom and climbed on, gesturing for Sucy to follow.

"...Well, it's not the first stupid thing I've done today," Sucy said, and slithered behind Constanze, facing the rear of the broom and balancing a cauldron on her lap. "Get us there, I'll see if I can't whip up something useful."

Constanze snapped on a pair of flight goggles, took a swig of Jolt Cola from her hip flask, and yanked back on the launch lever.

The catapult aimed at the sight of the occult ritual. A rocket engine ignited in the core of the broom, sending licks of flame onto the immaculate Luna Nova green, and the two witches took off on a plume of smoke and fire towards their destiny.

* * *

"Your turn," Akko said, lining the gore-soaked chainsaw up with Jasminka's neck.

"No, Atsuko, don't!" Diana sobbed, her bare knees bloodied from her constant struggle against the ropes tying her to the altar. "Please, for the love of God, her only crime is being fat!"

"It's alright, I've had a good run," Jasminka said.

"Atsuko Kagari, you don't have to do this!" Ursula said. "It's not too late! Please, for the love of your dreams-"

"Shh," Akko said, putting her finger on Ursula's mouth. "No dreams. Only tears now." She re-revved the saw, because it was hard to get in her cool catchphrases around the noise, and a dough witch hopped onto her. "What the H?!" she said, dropping the saw as the pastry whaled on her head.

"Oh hey, it's my Jam Buddies!" Jasminka said. "I knew they'd pop back up eventually!"

The Buddy crawled onto Akko's back, trying to strangle her with its golden-brown arms digging into her neck. Akko roared and flopped onto her back, splattering the living pastry. She seized the chainsaw as a dozen other Jam Buddies emerged from the forest, running at her in a straight line. She held out the saw, activated it, and screamed a sustained "YATATATATATATATATA!" as they ran into the blade, one after the other, exploding into sugary goodness.

"No, Jam Buddies, you gotta maneuver!" Jasminka said. "Try sneaking up on her! You'll do better that..."

The last Jam Buddy ran into Akko's chainsaw. None of them had decided to maneuever or sneak up on her. Akko wiped her brow. "Phew, that was... that was a thing." She licked her lips. "All those screaming Lottes were really getting to me. Tastes like Lotte's blood, anyway."

"I'm sorry, Jam Buddies," Jasminka said, sniffling. "I should've baked you a college education."

"Right! Back to what I was doin'!" Akko positioned herself above Jasminka. "See you in hell, Clorspigabinag the Long and Wide."

"Bye, everybody," Jasminka said.

Overhead, a broom exploded, and a smoking Sucy and Constanze landed on the Jam Buddy remains pile. Sucy uncurled from around her cauldron. "Are we alive?" she said, discarding the cover she'd slapped onto it once it got really scary.

Constanze nodded.

"Excellent." She stood up and brushed gummy innards from her skirt, careful to keep her cauldron pointed right-side up.

"Sucy! What're you doing here?" Akko said. "You said that you weren't with me! Remember? It was a few trillion years ago, when I was still young and full of hope."

"You know what?" Sucy said. "I've said a lot of stuff. Stuff like, 'man, I bet it'd be great if Akko drank this poison for me under the pretense that it's a healing potion,' or 'Akko is so adorable when thinks her dreams are dead,' or 'if I felt love it would be for Akko's tears.'"

"Uh-huh. I remember all of those. Why do you whisper that to me when you know I'm not asleep?"

"I have my reasons. Anyway! So, uh, I said that earlier, as I said it now, because I need to motivate you to have... independence. Sometimes you have to go it alone and if you rely too much on other people then you can't stand up for yourself. And we had our reasons for lying to you today, but it looks like you went way above and beyond what we ever dreamed of. Or had nightmares about."

"Really?" Akko said. "All those times, every time?"

"Yes, all those times, every time," Sucy said. "Especially really early this morning, when I tattooed the Thorn Curse mark on your arm because _The Curse of Michael Myers_ is my favorite movie and somebody had to help Ursula put her Scare Akko Til She Gets Superpowers Or Something plan into motion."

"Then... does this mean Lotte is...?"

"Alive? Yeah. Totally. She got to the nurse's office, right?" She looked at Ursula, who shrugged. "Yeah, she's fine. And you're not cursed. So put that chainsaw down and gimmie a very careful handshake, you amazing weirdo."

Akko dropped the chainsaw, sniffling. "S-s-s-sucy! I'm not a murderer! I'm-"

Constanze hopped onto Akko's back and choked her out with her wand.

"Hey, hey, maintain!" Sucy said. "Plan A that we discussed offscreen worked, she's cool!"

Constanze sighed and slipped off Akko, who gasped for breath and stumbled off Jazzy's sacrificial altar.

"Can you untie me now, please?" Jasminka said.

"The blood's rushed to my head and I'm very dizzy," Ursula said.

Diana just moaned in spiritual agony.

"Can't you do that mass boost spell without a wand, Jasminka?" Sucy said, using a gigantic athame she kept hidden on her at all times to cut Diana loose.

"Oh, yeah!" Jasminka held her breath and she doubled in size, destroying the ropes. She returned to normal and rolled off the altar. Constanze used the arc welder setting on her wand to cut Prof. Ursula down from the megalith, catching her before she belly-flopped onto the ground.

"Thank you very much, Constanze. You'll be getting a good word in to the faculty from me!" Ursula said. The little German witch gave her a thumbs up, which Ursula returned. Constanze felt a swell of pride rise in her chest, and she moved from a thumbs-up to a salute.

"Sucy, hurry and give her the antidote," Diana said. She was seated on the altar, face in her knees. "We don't need another body tonight."

"Antidote?" Sucy said. Akko took the cauldron from her hand and tilted it to her face. "NO DON'T!" Sucy slapped the cauldron from Akko's grasp, splattering its contents on the ground. The potion immediately ate through the ground and didn't stop until it hit magma. The mantle shone like a dull red star deep within the hole. "Seriously, though, what was that about an antidote?"

"Didn't you hear me?" Diana said, peeking at Sucy.

"No, that thing didn't have a mic pickup. I just wanted to make you feel better. What's that about an-oh." Sucy grabbed Akko and looked her over from every angle. "Yep... you're on belladonna and datura, no doubt about that. Very comorbid. I'm surprised she's even standing, you're tough. Lucky you, I always have the antidotes for them on-hand... for reasons." She retrieved the antidotes from a Liefeldian pouch on her belt.

"'Reasons?'" Akko said.

"That was a class 1 ghost speaking, not me. Don't worry, it dissipated into background PKE. Anyway." She tapped the five plump needles to clear them of air bubbles. "As soon as these hit your kidneys, you'll be right as-"

Akko hiccupped both of her kidneys into the hole to Hell Sucy's potion had dug.

"...oh. Well, if I inject directly into your liver, you'll be-"

Akko burped up her liver, which likewise vanished into the hole.

"Did you eat any red mushrooms with white spots."

"No... yes."

"Well, this took a turn," Sucy said, nervousness creeping into her voice. "Constanze, call the Glastonbury orphanage, we're gonna need organs ASAP."

"Hey, maybe not!" Jasminka said. "What were Hannah and Barbara's blood types?"

"A and B," Diana said.

"And Akko's AB, right?" Jasminka said.

"One, how did you know that, and two-" Sucy said, before noticing Jasminka was holding up Hannah and Barbara and Wangari and (most of) Prof. Finnelan's heads.

"You, uh... you could've been a little faster," Ursula said.

Constanze fainted.

* * *

The school nurse rose from her drunken sleep when somebody kicked in the door to the office. "H'whz... hmuh?" she said, trying to blink the drunkenness from her eyes. Professor Ursula, dressed in some ludicrous smock, seized her and shook her more awake. "I wuz nappin'. The fuck you want?"

"Nurse Horowitz, I'm going to need you to focus up," Ursula said. "We have a dying student and some dead students and we need you to put the dead students' useful parts into the dying student's body!"

Sucy and Jasminka strapped Akko to one of the beds. She was convulsing, foaming at the mouth, her skin white as a toad's underbelly where it wasn't a raw red the color and texture of a matchbox's sides. "I swear to the godless night-horrors, if you die on me, I'm going to find you in Hell and cut you up," Sucy said, stammering through more ellipses and dashes than even this author is capable of putting up with.

"Fine, sure," the nurse said, returning her night liquor to the cabinet and pulling out her surgery kit in its stead. "Just walk me through which ones are dead."

Diana slumped in in a haze, helping Constanze dragging their corpse collection behind them. Constanze pulled the bodies the last couple of yards while Diana gathered their heads and lay them out on an empty shelf.

"I think you can guess," Ursula said.

"Bitch, I can't tell if _you're_ alive right now. I said walk me through it, I mean walk me through it," Nurse Horowitz said. "Geddout, live kids, I got this."

"I, uh, I'm alive, but I have, uh..." Diana said.

"Shut the hell up and wait in line," Horowitz said. Diana clammed up and inched out of the nurse's office.

"Good luck," Sucy said, absently touching Akko's cheek before leaving. She glided past the five-body pile before realizing there were five bodies and not four. She inched back and looked down.

Lotte was on top of the dead teacher and students. Flies were swarming at her lips and eyelids. Sucy knelt down and brushed the insects off. Lotte's skin was room temperature and stiff.

"G'wan, git," the nurse said, shoving Sucy away. "'less you want to throw a few guts in."

"Maybe I do," Sucy said. Jasminka had to guide her out of the room and into a seat in the waiting room outside.

Horowitz lay her tools out on an end table. "Hey, wait," she said, tapping Ursula's shoulder.

"Yes?" she said.

"'Zat a chainsaw on your back?"

"Yes. It's the opposite of sterile right now, and it's incapable of precision operation on a human bod-"

"Fuck you," sang Horowitz, "I won't do what you tell me." She wrestled the chainsaw from the holster on Ursula's back and yanked the chain. "Eat six dicks and call me in the morning, Death, you're not breakin' my streak!"

* * *

The waiting room was dimly-lit and quiet as a library, other than the sounds of shrieking machinery. Jazzy sat next to Sucy; Diana propped her legs up and slightly spread on a chair she moved in front of her, Constanze sat on the floor and browsed the internet on her phone. If anyone wanted to bother Constanze about having forbidden tech, nobody who would complain would be coming by tonight.

"Hey, there," Jasminka said to Sucy. "It's been a rough day."

Sucy said nothing. She stared at a motivational poster on the waiting room, one of the all time classics: a kitten with a little pointed hat on, hanging from a broom, the phrase "Hang In There, Witchy!" emblazoned at the top.

"Jazzy," Sucy said. "What's this feeling I'm feeling?"

"I dunno. Can you tell me?"

"You know that old nursery rhyme about the cheese standing alone?"

"Mm-hm. I always wanted to eat that cheese."

"Well... I feel like I am the cheese. And I should be happy that everybody else has been ruined, like, I'm the last one standing, you know? Like that Magic: The Gathering card. But instead of laughing at the farmer for getting married or the rat for getting eaten, I just wish the two animals had come to a gentleman's agreement allowing the rat to eat me, so I can disappear forever like all my attachments to this transient mortal existence."

"That's called 'sadness,'" Jasminka said. "It sounds like an extra-strong sadness we like to call 'despair!' Some of your best friends are dead and Akko's life is in danger because of a well-meaning educational opportunity that went dramatically south once you involved pretend murder."

"Sad...ness." Sucy blinked for the first time in the last few minutes. "I've heard of this. Does it always feel like the hollowness inside you is pulsing with a dull yet insistant ache?"

"Always," Jasminka said, hesitantly putting her arm on Sucy's shoulder. Sucy didn't hiss or recoil, so she took it as a sign to complete the comfort transaction. "For some people the emptiess is always on their mind, drinking deep of their happiness and satisfaction. For others, they only know it's there when something better than the emptiness has gone away, and what used to be a life worth living is now an aching hollow. And for some, the empty aching is all that ever was and life is little more than a drudge from one low to another. _La tristesse durera toujours_."

"My family motto," Sucy said, trying to smile.

"You don't have to be empty alone tonight, Sucy."

"I... uh... sure."

"Can I hug you?"

"Sure."

Sucy was not overly familiar with hugs before she came to Luna Nova. Now, it seemed, they were part of the school experience. So it goes.

* * *

Sucy awoke with a start. "Hwhuh?" She wasn't in her bed; instinctively she reached for her wand and tried to think of a killing spell.

"Mornin', sleepyhead," Jasminka said, giving her a little nudge on the shoulder. Sucy hissed and bit her hand. "Oops! Sorry about that." From other side, Constanze poked Sucy in the cheek.

Sucy barked, but held her ground, and soon calmed down. She was in the nurse's office, that's right. Diana wasn't here anymore.

"Well... did anything happen?" Sucy say. "Are we still waiting?" Constanze held her cell phone in front of Sucy's face.

It showed a photo of Akko and Lotte, both blotchy and heavily bandaged, but smiling wearily. Its caption simply read: "We lived bitch."

Akko smiled tiredly up at Sucy from her bed. "Hiya, Sucy. Sorry for giving you all such a hard time last night."

"It's alright," Sucy said, trying to banish a strange new feeling welling up in her chest. "If I were that high, I probably would've tried to kill everyone I knew, too."

It was just Akko and Lotte in here, on neighboring beds with a nightstand between them. Ursula wasn't here, nor were the corpses or Diana. Lotte sat propped up on three pillows, Akko was just laying down. The nurse waited on the other side of a privacy curtain, drinking her breakfast.

"Do you remember much, Akko?" Sucy said, pulling up a chair.

"Kinda, yeah. I remember seeing the Slenderman and getting his autograph." Akko felt around. "But I guess I just dreamed it... sigh. Just another thing that went wrong last night."

"Look on the bright side, you killed like four people. Those other kids could barely manage non-fatal stabbings."

Akko squinted. "Lotte, the professor, Wangari, Hannah and Barbara... yeah, that's four. I'm glad they got better, though."

"You're welcome, by the way," Nurse Horowitz shouted from the other side of the curtain. "I had to get creative but I shuffled some pieces around and it worked out pretty well. Look at Akko, for instance. When she came in here? Total mess. Massive organ failure, lots'a shit leaking or exploded."

"Did I actually spit up those guts or was that just a dream?" Akko said.

"Totally real," Sucy said. "In hindsight, it was pretty metal."

"Good thing we had those whatever-their-names-were on-hand, they had plenty of livers and kidneys between 'em. Bam, problem one solved. Hell, she'll be better than she was before! Her filtration system is so goddamn overpowered she can drink like Andre the Giant and piss Topo Chico when she's done."

"What about Lotte?" Akko said.

"Oh, I saw what she did for me already!" Lotte said. "Sucy, could you pull my covers up? It hurts to move too fast."

"Eh, sure," Sucy said, flinging back Lotte's covers like the Pope pulling away a tablecloth. "...whoa. That's, uh... that's a dramatic look for you."

"I can't wait to write home about it," Lotte said, wiggling her new toes. "One time at Juhannuspäivä, my mom had a little too much to drink and asked my dad why he couldn't be black from the waist down. But now _I_ am, so it's like her dream came true!"

Sucy covered her back up. "So, guess that means Wangari's cooling it in the meat locker waiting on a bottom half?"

"Oh, no, she's fine. The professor, too, 'cuz Ursula said to. That took a little juggling, but we got it all sorted out. Some space robot thing fell to Earth a couple years ago and I stripped it for parts, so I just had to pick somebody to give 'em to. Bluey said that Glasses Girl was on the meek side, so that left the reporter." Horowitz mimed laying out a barrage of pistol fire. "Bang bang bang, that's three lower back transplants with two working lower backs."

"Where'd my bottom half go to, anyway?" Lotte said. "If it's not too much trouble, I wouldn't mind burying it."

"Oh, no," cackled the nurse. "I had much better plans in mind for that."

* * *

"Professor Ursula," the headmistress said, "it seems that last night was quite an eventful one." She squinted at the transcript Ursula had written while waiting on Horowitz to wrap up the easier fixes. "Several students dead, poor Annie having to spend half the night as a corpse... not to mention that entirely-too-amusing patch job our nurse has done to her."

Ursula stood and Finnelan sat before Holbrooke. Ursula had climbed out of her smock at last and freshened up a bit before coming in; Holbrook had given Finnelan a once-over with a wet-nap once she was done stitching her up before stuffing her into her clothes from last night. She sat uneasily in her wheelchair, one of the school's retired models busted out from storage; her new lower half was Lotte's old lower half, a good few sizes smaller than the rest of Finny.

"Permission to fire Horowitz into the punitative meat grinder," Finnelan said.

"I'll have to deny that," Holbrooke said, chuckling. "You'd be dead without her, and..." She squinted at the new legs. "I suppose Akko must've really done a number on your lower half when you died."

"So I heard," Finnelan said. "I also motion we grind Ms. Kagari. Coarsely. Pushed in by Callistis, before we kick her fat ass in too."

"Likewise, denied," Holbrooke said, "and I'll have you watch your tongue."

"Kagari _murdered_ me! She hasn't even apologized!"

"She's spent the night undergoing very extensive surgery and is likely still coming down from all that poison she ate. She'll get to it, she's a good girl when she's sober." Holbrooke gestured. "We'll be sure to charge your insurance deductables and get the fairies to put in some new ramps."

"I'll murder you all one day," Finnelan said, and rollstormed out of the office. "Especially you, Ursula! I'll have your tits and you'll like it, goddamn you all!" She TK-slammed the door behind her.

"Now, Ursula, dear..." Holbrooke said.

"I know," Ursula said. "I made a mistake. Akko hardly even used magic last night. I guess we did learn that when a situation escalates, Akko escalates in kind. A threat to life resulted in a life-threatening response. But even then all those poison plants did sort of-"

"Ursula, Ursula. Between you and me, I'm just glad somebody gave Finnelan a good talking to. I hate to admit it, but I just never had the courage to challenge her. I think we were meant to have a little difficulty if it meant that metaphorical dangling chad is well and truly snipped."

"...hanging chad? That hasn't been a joke since 2000."

"I felt like calling on an oldie. Besides, the girls and I 'binged' some aughties television last night and we've been busting out the old running gags. That, and this little beauty." Holbrooke pressed a button. Her desk sank into the ground and an exquisite gold- and jewel-embossed jade 1:1 scale replica of Jabba the Hutt slid in its place. Nested against his belly was a plump gorg orb filled with dark-tinted water, a recently-unpacked bowl jutting otu from it.

Ursula's eyes briefly lit a more vivid scarlet. "The Episode I Jabba the Hutt Masterpiece promotional water pipe. Only ten were made."

"And I was in line to buy number six," Holbrooke said, stroking its back. This close, Ursula could see her eyes were bloodshot. "Come. All's well that ends well. Let's get stoned."

"Thank you, Holbrooke," Ursula said, retrieving her stash box from down her blouse.

"Pack that shit, I think Pisces is still in there."

"Still? You've done nothing but smoke weed without even sleeping the past nine hours?" She packed an ounce of Northern Lights into the bowl and lit it with a simple flame spell. Inside the grimy bong water, Pisces bubbled contently.

"You better goddamn believe it."

"Living the dream," Ursula said, leaning over the tube emerging from Jabba's neck and taking a long, slow draw.

* * *

In her room, Anne Finnelan hiked up her skirt and took a good long look at her new lower half. Well, she thought, I might as well get used to this. She licked her lips and gave her new thigh a squeeze.

Nothing.

She explored a little more.

Still, nothing.

She had the lower half of a virgin schoolgirl and she felt abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

She looked down at the student newspaper resting on her desk, a morning edition cranked out the moment Wangari had the aliveness to rush into the print room and churn out a special edition. The headline declared "PROF. 'FIDDLE'-AN: LUNA NOVA'S MOST INFAMOUS DIDDLER? A HARD-KICKING EXPOSE." The accompanying photograph was of a determined Wangari kicking through an unflattering wooden statue of Finnelan with her mighty new cyber-hooves.

"I'm in hell," Finnelan said. She flipped her neck-hinge all the way back and poured a draught of Buckfast Tonic Wine down her neck-hole.

* * *

"Oh... that's pretty funny!" Lotte smiled. "I can't argue with that."

"And the blonde one just needed a potion of _cure moderate wounds_ and her little toadies to follow her again. Nothing a little more surgery and just a pinch of magic couldn't fix. And that's everybody important."

* * *

"Hannah. Barbara." Diana cleared her throat. "I suppose I owe you an apology for treating you so poorly last night. I was under duress... but that's no excuse for my behavior. I was rude and I dismissed your feelings and I punched Barbara out completely unnecessarily. I should've just asked to borrow your wand." She cleared her throat again. "Because I don't trust you to cast a spell like that in an emergency, but I could've been more diplomatic about it."

"It wasn't the worst thing that happened last night," Hannah said, fluttering over Diana's bed. "I mean, like, it's up there, but worse things happened."

"Why'd she sew me to a pig?" Barbara said. "And why's the pig still alive?! This is so frickin' annoying!" The pig her head was sewn on the back of continued rooting around in a mud wallow Diana dug for it in a disused corner of her indoor garden. "She got us replacement bodies on back order, right?"

"She said that, yes. I presume she meant it," Diana lied.

"Here's hopin'," Barbara said. "'Least I got my arms, and my harmonica." She improvised a bluesy tune while the pig took a nap.

"I don't get it, Di," Hannah said, coming to a rest on one corner post. "Why'd she pick these anyway?"

"It's scientific fact that, other than great apes, the closest genetic relatives to humans are pigs and giant moths. You don't have to like it, that's just how it works." She jangled a pill bottle. "Does anyone want more alprazolam before I get back to my novel?"

"Yes, please!" her sycophants said.

She gulped a pill down herself as she fed her best friends in the whole world. "I'm thinking the Dowager is going to use some fancy new ice tricks. Doesn't that sound sexy?"

"Yeah, sure," Barbara said. "Sorry about all this moth dust I'm gettin' on your covers."

"It's all good in the hood," Diana said.

* * *

"Well, all's well that ends well," Sucy said. "What day is it, again?"

"Tuesday," said Horowitz.

"Eh, screw it, not going to class today. Psychological trauma or some crap." Sucy tilted her seat back and put her arms on each buddy's shoulder. "We're all mostly intact, Finny got what was coming to her I guess, and Akko's got a bitchin' tattoo. All's well that ends well!"

"And I'm on a _lot_ of morphine," Akko said.

"Me too!" Lotte said.

"Can I get some, too?" Sucy said. "We _are_ friends."

"Eh, I don't see why not," the nurse said, stepping in with an ampoule of morphine and a gently-used syringe. "Let's throw a party."

"You know what?" Sucy said. "Yesterday sucked, but today's gonna be better."

"Amen!" Lotte said.

"Yeah!" Akko said.

The three shared a victorious, gentle high-five.

* * *

Outside, Jasminka clapped. "Hooray! Those cool, nice dudes did it."

Constanze nodded, though she was squeezing a few more minutes out of phone use while she could do so uninterrupted.

"You know, things went pretty well," Jasminka said. "All things considered, anyway. Did you see where they threw away Miss Finnelan's lower body, by the way?"

Constanze shook her head.

"Aw. Alright. Guess that's to be expected." She waited for a few beats. "It's a real waste, you know? All that meat. Lyin' around unclaimed. You could really use it for somethin'."

Constanze looked up from her phone.

"I mean, like, for dogs, or something. Ha, what are you even thinking! Human meat. That's the ultimate taboo." She licked her lips. "Just... thinking out loud. Wondering. You know how it is. Don't you have a dream you know you can't commit to because society would frown on it?"

Constanze made a noncommital noise.

"Yeah, you know what I mean." She turned around and left the office. "I'm gonna make some more Jam Buddies after class. If there is class, anyway."

There wasn't, as was often the case.

* * *

 **Author's Action Notes:** If you were wondering, no, I don't think Finnelan has untoward motivations in the actual show. It unfolded as I wrote the scene and the jokes(?) kept writing themselves as I went along.


End file.
